El Roi
For those who have been on the infertility journey, the time after what is known in the infertility world as TTC (trying to conceive) through your TWW (two week wait) can feel like the longest two weeks of your life; it’s crazy how time can fly by and time can stand still all at the same time. We have looked at over 36 months of negative pregnancy tests after many a hopeful TWW; that let down, that sorrow, that hope dashed, does something to your mind, heart, and soul. It tempers your spirit from hopefulness into expected disappointment; you begin to guard your heart with an anticipation of the let down to come. Life goes on for everyone around you; no one knows how deeply your heart longs for what you do not have, and what heartbreak you experience privately month after month except the God who sees you.
El Roi – the name in Hebrew translates to mean the God who sees me.
This God is an ever knowing, miracle working God whose ways are not our ways; He is not a genie in a bottle who grants our every wishful prayer. But He sees us; He sees us at our best and at our worst. He hears the doubts we do not speak; He feels the depth of our pain; He knows the hopes of our soul.
As Jeremy and I have recently been in the midst of our TWW following our embryo transfer it has been a roller coaster of hope and despair; longing and acceptance; faith and doubt. God has seen it all and loves us still.
About a week into our TWW, I was reading a fellow embryo adopters blog (hisbannerreaches.com) where she wrote:
“This morning I was reading (again because it’s one of my favorites) about Elijah being sent into the desert (Cherith), during a drought. I don’t know what Elijah expected with the drought, but I can pretty much guarantee he wasn’t expecting what the Lord had in store for him. And I’m sure he wanted to ask God some questions and get some clarification when he found, but instead he chose to step out in faith and trust. Oddly, I felt a little like Elijah this morning. Several unexpected twists, but ultimately I know God is sovereign and will work things out according to His will and for His glory. Afterall, He has been all along! If He is sovereign enough to have greedy ravens bring food to Elijah every day, He is sovereign enough to provide what and WHO we need on this journey, no matter my expectations. Because He is El Roi, the God who sees. So I’m choosing to trust, because none of this is new to my El Roi. He is not surprised by any of it, because He sees from beginning to end.”
El Roi; there was that name again. How did I not see it the first time.
Early last year, my beloved dog, Soleil, was diagnosed with bone cancer; on the very same morning, we learned I was naturally pregnant! A whirlwind of sadness and joy surrounded us. After our barren journey, we were ecstatic to be welcoming another child into our family; for Silas to have a sibling. It felt like God gave us cause for great joy to help temper the impending loss of Soleil. But then weeks later I suffered a silent miscarriage and grief enveloped us again.
Loss of the animals we love is inevitable and the reality of which is never far from my mind. But the miscarriage was beyond my understanding; to be given such hope and joy, only to have it snatched away. Finding God’s hand in this, was a search in the dark…
As I was preparing to pull out of the medical office on the morning the miscarriage was confirmed, directly behind my car was a sparrow; seemingly uninjured yet making no attempts to fly away. A woman appeared without saying a word to me, or even responding when I spoke to her, she knelt down and scooped up this sparrow; she talked to it with such love assuring it she would take care of it and help it on its way. I watched her bring it to a near by tree and sit with it until it flew away.
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care.
Matthew 10:29
In that moment, God reminded me that His hand is never far; in the darkness, He remains as ever present as in the light; that as surely as He cares for even the fallen sparrow, He sees our pain and loves us through it.
A week later I saw a post for a stray Border Collie mix puppy in a shelter in Texas; another life insignificant to the former owner who never claimed him, yet lovingly cared for by the shelter staff and brought into my life by a series of blessings including a free one way trip to Massachusetts! We named him Sparrow in recognition that God values his life, too.
What escaped me at the time, and what I didn’t recall until I pulled up his adoption paperwork earlier this week in preparation of his annual dog licensing, was that the name the shelter gave him was Elroy…
The God who sees me has been there all along; He’s been there in every detail of every step of this journey. Even in the midst of the heartbreaking pain, the endless waiting, He has been reaching out offering assurances that He sees me and loves me, and His will for our lives is good.